We're going to dive right in today, as this will also be a very long post. It's only slightly more happy than part 2, but we still have to get through alot of crap.
Anyway, June 2007, I was all moved in to my new house in Tomah, Wisconsin. I had lived there earlier when I was 8, but I moved to Kenosha for five years after. I was very unhappy, as the people of Tomah didn't treat me that well the first time, so I was very nervous to see how they would act the second time. But before 8th grade, I met my new violin teacher Mary Baudek. She was in her late 50s and she was very eager to teach me, she always loves new students and was pretty effective at teaching, actually. She was a Suzuki teacher, however, and I didn't learn to play the violin on that book, so that transition was hard. I mean, by the end of the summer Mary and I were able to work together, but the first few lessons were kind of frustrating. At the end of the summer she told me about a group called the LaCrosee Youth Symphony in, well, LaCrosse, Wisconsin. They had two groups: the Phillharmonic and the Youth Symphony. She said I should audition for the Phillharmonic since it was my first year, and I did, since I was already nervous for being in a group that I didn't know anybody in it. Audition day was also interesting, I wasn't exactly nervous, I just didn't know what to expect. I went in, played my solo piece, and three days later I got the e-mail, letting me know that I would be a part of the Phillharmonic Orchestra. It gets better, I was first chair! The first day was disastrous, though, I was really sick and I didn't know what I was doing at all. The kids were really nice, though, and they tried their best to make me feel welcome. The majority of them would stay with me as we would progress through high school, but more on that later. 2007 was also the year that I saw "August Rush". For a kid like me, that movie was like the bible, and I got it on DVD the day it came out too. It's still a part of my collection.
Now comes 8th Grade. Get some popcorn, you're going to be here awhile. So even though I lived in Tomah earlier, I was still the new kid in Tomah Middle School. The majority of the kids didn't even remember who I was, but I remembered them, quite vividly. Now, remember when I said 2nd grade was my worst year of grade school? Well 8th grade comes in a very tight second, because as 2nd grade was at the threshold of it, 8th grade went all the way to becoming a living hell. And it was mainly because of three people. The first one is, who would have guessed, also called Nick. From the start, I could tell he just didn't like me, and our games of four square at lunch didn't help either. Actually, there was one game, it was a chilly fall day and I wasn't wearing my hood for some reason, so my face was becoming pretty cold. We lost the ball and Nick went to go get it. When he threw it back, for some reason he threw it in my direction, and as luck would have it, it hit me squarely in the cheek. A rubber ball hitting you in the face when it's cold out, that didn't feel good at all. I think I started crying actually, it hurt alot, a teacher noticed me and took me inside to warm up. I told them how it happened, and I think they thought Nick intentionally hit me with the ball, and he got in trouble that day. He has never let it go, not even today, he claims that it never hit my face and that I was just being a crybaby. After that day, he called me very nasty names, and everywhere we went he just constantly bullied me, he'll be more important in high school. Then there was Sandra, who was dating Nick at the beginning of the year. She was really nice at first, but over time decided she didn't like me, and 2nd semester she just shut me out and started being mean to me for really no reason at all. We started to disagree on pretty much everything, and she didn't do anything nicely at all. We had most classes together, so it was pretty painful to sit in the same room with her after awhile. Then there was Kayla, who everyone worshipped and fondled over, but she was evil, let me tell you that. She really didn't care about anyone except herself, she took all she could get and was still unhappy. Also, she was as fake as Pamela Anderson's breasts, nothing she said had any truth to it, and it was so obvious, none of her stories added up and she was very inconsistent. Like one day she said she had a sprained ankle and was on crutches, and then six hours later she walked just fune and was crutch-free (no ankle injury heals that quickly). By April of 2008, I was so fed up with her bullshit that I finally decided to stand up to her...yeah that didn't go over well. Remember, she was loved by everyone in my grade, so they all came rushing to her side the moment I stood up to her. They all thought I was too threatening, I didn't mean to be, but some things were said, that people say everyday, but when I said them, apparently I actually meant it. Also, they all though I had a hit list or something, so maybe that had a part of it too. Anyway, Kayla and I fell out after that, and the rest of the 8th grade followed (incidentally, Kayla also dated Nick part-way through the year).
Nick, Sandra, and Kayla were the biggest three giving me problems, but there were many other people too. Like Mike, Mitch, and Tanner. Mike was always sexually harrassing me, while Mitch and Tanner tried to get me to do things that only girls do to men (I'll let you figure that out), and the rest of their buddies started calling me "gay" and "fag" (Nick did it too), and I was going to have to endure that for the next couple years. Then there was Dakota, who told me to take off my shirt in front of about 200 kids, and none of the teachers did anything. I reported it to the middle school counselor, and the next day Dakota gave me a half-assed apology. He didn't stop harrassing me that day, it would continue on throughout high school. Then there was Paston, who was in Newspaper club with me, and her criticized every single thing I did, my articles mainly, but he also, like Sandra, just argued with me over everything and was never happy with me. Now a little side-note: I'm Catholic, so I go to CCD, and you would think that the bullying would stop there, right? Nope, Mike, Mitch, and Tanner were all in my CCD class, and they continued to taunt me while making fun of my weight, and once again, none of the teachers did anything. So, I just stopped going, the bullying was too much at that point and I didn't go for a good five months, I was completely over it.
Now before I go further, I should tell you a good thing that came out of this year. My friend Alex convinced me to try joining band, since TMS doesn't have an orchestra program, he set up a lesson with the teacher, Mrs. Smith, and everything. I was completely apprehensive, but I thought I would give it a shot. Nick, Sandra, and Kayla were all in band too, but I didn't care, I just wanted to play an instrument on a regular basis again. I picked up the french horn, and within two weeks was able to make notes and not sound bad! Mrs. Smith said I was picking it up fairly quickly, and by 2nd semester I joined the 8th grade band. The first practice was like nails on a chalkboard, nobody really wanted me there (the class still hated me, remember?), but I wasn't going to back down. I stuck it out and did band for the rest of grade school. I also got my braces taken out! And when I turned 14, I got Finale Notepad, which sparked my interest in composing! I actually transcribed an orchestral piece and my band played it at the end of year concert! And Mrs. Smith was total boss. I actually did meet some really great teachers, like Frau Chambers! The rest of my German classmates were just awful (I also met Joe, who also partook in the sexual harrassment, only he flirted with me instead of calling me names. I bring German class up because it will be important later on).
Anyway, I should also tell you about the principal, Mrs. Zahrte. I regularly got into conflicts with Nick, his friend Arik, Sandra, Kayla, and the group headed by Mike, Mitch, and Tanner, and Paston on occasion, and I know they all wanted me to either A) shut up about the fights and not do anything or B) resort to physical confrontation, and still not tell anyone. I wasn't going to stoop to that level, so the principal was the only one who had any sort of power over them. It completely backfired, as all of them just gave some sob story, made it seem like I was the one who was victimizing them, and she bought the bullshit everytime and they all got off scott free. That's the thing about Tomah, nobody ever takes responsibility for their actions, and everyone would rather just sweep everything under the rug instead of actually doing something about it. Now just another little side note, everyone thought that since I reported people so many times to Mrs. Zahrte, that I must have been her pet or something and that I just reported people for the sake of doing it. Both of those statements are not true, I really was in regular turmoil with everybody and after all of Mrs. Zahrte's constant excuses for why she couldn't do anything, I will say to set the record straight: I HATE her, I really don't think I could despise someone so much, but she proved me wrong in that regard. Mrs. Zahrte, that's the shit I don't like.
So, after about seven months of non-stop drama and bullying, I was driven to my end once again. Everyday I got home and I would just ball my eyes out. There was one day, when I got home, feeling like absolute shit as normal, and I needed some comfort from anybody. My mom didn't have the time, though, she was busy throwing a basket-weaving party and it didn't end until late at night. I was done, honestly, I couldn't take anymore. It was 2nd grade all over again, the kids were exactly the same 8-year olds they were only bigger, and I wasn't getting any support from anyone at that point. Remember the choking game? When you would force yourself to pass out by means of choking yourself? Well I heard you could die from that, so at my absolute lowest point, at 14 I tried commiting suicide for the third time. I think I tied some sheet around my neck and pulled it tight, all I had to do was tie another end to my ceiling fan and jump: death would have been instantaenous. I almost did, but after crying for hours I really didn't have the energy to even sit up, I just fell asleep. I woke up the next morning, untied the sheet and wondered why I didn't do it, did I really want to die? I mean, I was definitely suicidal, I was gravely depressed and all frayed out, but something inside me told me to wait, like I instinctively knew that, that was rock bottom, it was not going to get any worse than that night. The sheet thankfully didn't leave any visible mark, apparently I didn't pull it tight enough to do so, and I just went to school the next day. At this point, though, my mom and I prayed that I would get through each day without doing something stupid. We fricken prayed, that's how vile the bullying had become. Although, as fate would have it, that particular day I had my next therapist appointment. Her name was Stephanie, and she didn't mess around, every session she made it a point to help me with any issues I was having. When I walked in that day, she could tell right away that something was wrong. She started asking me about my life, and I just gave some hushed, slurred responses. A couple minutes in she asked the million dollar question: "Nick, do you want to die?". I was silent, honestly, I didn't know the answer to that. When I didn't give a response, she wasted no time and called my parents in, she then told me that I was going to the hospital to get some blood work done, and then I was to go home after and start intense therapy once again. I was put on suicide watch for a second time, and I didn't go to school for a couple days. Instead, I met with a psychiatrist who evaluated me and then prescribed me a new anti-depressant, based on the blood-work I had gotten done before, the new drug was supposed to finally stabilize my anger and depression and start thinking more positively about my life. I met with Stephanie again who told me how to deal with extreme sadness without resorting to physical harm, and she instructed me to go to school after everything was done, staying home and wallowing in my misery would only make things worse. And thank the Lord she did, because that's when my life finally started to turn around.
One person got me through the final stretch of 8th grade; her name was Abby Koffman. We had met during computer class at the beginning of the year, but never talked. In April, we started to talk more and became good friends soon after, we were like kindred spirits in a way, since she was also an outcast and was not liked by my classmates either. Her other friends were kind of sketch, but it didn't matter since we hung out alone a majority of the time. For the first time all year I felt like somebody wanted to be around me, and she really did. We leaned on each other the last couple months, I didn't care that no one else liked her, she was my best friend at that time. But it wasn't always easy, mainly because when she got into a fight with someone or when someone was talking shit about her, I always stood up for her and got caught squarely in the line of fire. Sandra was the worst, calling her a whore and stuff, and that made the drift between us even deeper. I had Abby, though, that's all that mattered, I had a friend, period. Now, the rest of 8th grade was still jam-packed with the nastiness of my other classmates (I hated them, they hated me, it was a mutual hate), but I was so over it to the point that I didn't care about them anymore, I was not going to be like them so I held my ground, and I survived. 8th grade finally came to an end, and when the final bell rang, I walked out the doors and never looked back. I have not set foot in that establishment since.
So, I'm gonna end part 3 here, I have to tear my way through high school and bring some more popcorn, the drama is about to get interesting. Now, remember when I said 8th grade came into a close second with 2nd grade as my worst year of grade school ever? Well, 2nd grade through and through sucked, there was nothing good about it, but in 8th grade, I had band, I had LYSO (bless their souls, they put up with me and never tired of me for the next five years), I had Abby, and my home life was peaceful that year, so I was properly able to turn my life around after that night. It was pure, unadulterated hell alright: it was the talking about me behind my back...while I was two inches away from them. It was the constant sexual harrassment, the name-calling, the exclusion, the sheer amount of immaturity was just overwhelming. But once again, it was essential to my life in every way, because it toughened me up emotionally, and I started to not cry over everything, I started to actual sort out my problems instead of being consumed by them, and through all the bullshit, not once did my music suffer. That was my safe haven, the only thing that liked me as much as I liked it. Loved it, excuse me. I expressed alot of my anger through my playing, and it was such a release everytime an instrument was in my hands. It was then when I decided I want music to be my career, it was my saving grace, and maybe, just maybe, that's why I didn't kill myself that night. I did say maybe!
Anyway, part 4 will deal with high school, which will be just as eventful as 8th grade. But before I close the book on middle school, I will inform you of some other people I met. There was this goofball called EJ, he'll be important much later on, and he has always liked me, he didn't care about what anybody else said. Then there was Jordan, who was much heavier than I was and he also got relentlessly bullied like me. We were kindred spirits too, and he was one of the few peoples (besides Abby) who knew what I was going through, he easily sympathized with me and defended me when necessary. Then there was Miranda, a short-haired blonde who actually hated me when we first met. Over the year though, she got more and more used to me and after awhile came around, maybe she knew what I was going through too? I don't know how it happened, but we became good friends at the end of 8th grade. So, as always, thanks for once again sticking around and reading this, your support is very much appreciated, and I'm glad I can finally bring these things to light. I said there was more to me than anyone realizes, and high school will make that point perfectly clear.
No comments:
Post a Comment