The Worst Songs of 2013

Welp, another year of music has come and gone. It's hard to believe that's already time for me to countdown the worst that this year had to offer, and believe me, there was ALOT to choose from. So much so, that narrowing it down to ten meant that some truly bad songs couldn't even make the cut (I'm talking about you "Beauty and a Beat"). Anyway, without much further adieu, I bring you the ten worst songs of 2013.

10. Karmin-Acapella
Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 72
Now for starters, I didn't even want to include this song this year, because I actually think it's quite funny and fun to listen to. However, I couldn't not include it because, come on Karmin, being gold-diggers, really? This song is basically all about wanting a guy with a fat wad of cash in his pocket, but also has to be Prince Charming at the same time. And let's not forget the music itself, it sounds like someone just sat at their Mac, pressing random buttons in GarageBand to accompany Amy Heidemann's "flow". Oh yeah and that's another thing, she has none. It's just a bunch of words slapped together, tryin to be all 'girl from da hood', while wearing designer running shoes and flaunting that falsetto (which, by the way, is impressive, yet to shrill it makes my eyes burn). Lastly, is anyone else offended by the fact that Karmin just set-back women's rights? "Let the gentleman pay/Get a rich boyfriend, you don't have to love him, you can pretend/I wanna bean with the beanstalk, and if the magic ain't right, time to walk"? No. Just, no.

9. Britney Spears-Perfume
Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 76
No it's not another ad for yet another Britney Spears, fragrance (but it might as well be). Instead, this is supposedly one of the 'personal' songs on her latest album "Britney Jean", in which she compares her ex's seeming infidelity with wanting to mark her territory with her perfume. It's a B-Spears ballad, so that alone ensures that it's level of quality isn't going to be very high, but holy crap, this is just shit. Not only is the music static, Britney's diction is just off, at once squeezing too many syllables into one note and dragging one note way beyond its welcome. Don't get wrong, some of Britney's ballads are actually quite engaging, but it's hard to like this at all when everything is just so forced, it's honestly quite uncomfortable listening. 

8. PitBull-Don't Stop the Party
Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 17
Well once again, we have another minimal PitBull song, with one phrase (in this case, as you might've guessed: "Don't stop the paaaaaaaartay"). I have a feeling that as long as PitBull keeps putting out solo material, he'll be an annual candidate for my worst songs list. I mean when he as collaborators, he's on fire, but solo...I honestly can't even comprehend the level of suckiness. With this song I'm just like, "Pit, you're gonna start a lot of things, but a party sure ain't one of them. Actually, this is the song that puts the end to parties, it's just so bad." And really, that's all I have to say. Once again, this non-song is so vapid, I can hardly make a hearty rant about it.

7. One Direction-Live While We're Young
Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 3
Yep, One Direction told you first, we can only live while we're young. Apparently as soon as we turn 40, we die. A harsh reality, but I mean, if One Direction says so it must be true, right? ...Fuck. I had to listen to this song non-stop at work allllll summer long and let me tell ya, if I didn't like One Direction before...well, let's just say I won't be giving them any positive critique, like ever. So, aside from the fact that it's yet another song dedicated to just doing dumb stuff, it's also yet another song from a boy band about getting into a girl's pants. But this time, at least their honest about it, singing about wanting to 'get some' and even though they've only just met, they already know their in love. Aww isn't that sweet? And you all thought that chivalry was dead! Not with One Direction around. Nope, they'll continue to make girls pee their pants whenever they as so much open their mouths, and as long as they make music, will most likely be an annual candidate for my 'worst songs' lists.

6. Serena Ryder-Stompa
(Canadian) Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 8
I know what you're already thinking: who the hell is Serena Ryder? Why are you including a Canadian song on a list of the worst songs to be released in the US? Well to answer these questions: Serena Ryder is just another run of the mill, plane Jane artist who thinks she's all that because she's won a couple Juno awards, but with songs like "Stompa" making up her catalogue, really isn't worth the attention. Also, in case you didn't notice, this song was serviced to US radios this year, so that's why it qualifies for this list. That, and also because of the fact that it's just a crappy song. Like "Live While We're Young", its basic message is just to shirk responsibility and just do whatever you feel like. In this case, she wants to "clappa your hands, stompa your feet". EEEW, BAD GRAMMAR! Aside from her inability to spell, Serena Ryder also can't sing, like, at all. She sounds very deep-throated, and she tries to put soul in her voice that couldn't lift the spirit out of a ghost. And also, can I just point out her blatant attempt in trying to start a new dance craze? Clapping your hands and stomping your feet, that would've been a huge hit...if it wasn't already done by Queen over thirty years ago.

5. Chris Brown and Nicki Minaj-Love More
Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 23
I love Nicki Minaj, but Chris Brown is a woman-beating piece of crap that shouldn't even come near the subject of love. Come on Chris, who the fuck are you kidding?! "Love More"? Really? Since when are you the expert? Last time I checked, beating a woman's face to an unrecognizable pulp isn't love, that's abuse (by the way, why aren't you in jail for that crime?!). Anyway, aside from the fact that Chris has not business singing about love, he once again drafts a back-up artist to give him some cred among the listeners who haven't heard about his defect (you know, the one that makes him punch anybody who looks at him the wrong way, especially if they're female?). Nicki Minaj doesn't not make this song any better in the slightest, and while she and Chris try to exchange innuendo (and fail), the music is just more generic dance-hip/hop bullshit that only proves that Chris really just needs to release "X" and get done with his floundering career. Please, just save us all the countless attempts of you trying to prove that you're more than who you really are: a batterer. End it, Chris, end it now.

4. Florida-Georgia Line and Nelly-Cruise
Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 4
I know, how could I include one of the top summer anthems on this list, especially so far up? Well, to start off, I have listened to both versions of this song, and in my opinion, they both suck. I don't know, like the first problem I have with the song are Florida-Georgina line's vocals, I just cannot get myself to like them. And having their thin, shrilly voices constantly blow-up my radio at home, work, school, as just too much for me. Also, the Nelly version is just so corny ("Hey country girl, it's country girl and I like everything about ya/whippin 'cross the borda, Florida into Georgia"), not to mention so painstakingly literal that it makes my skin crawl. Ugh, and I know why everyone loves this song, because once again, it's all about doing nothing and doing stupid stuff, well, stupid as it can get in the country ("blowin' stop signs through the middle"? whooaaaa, super law-breakers right there). I guess in the end this song is just not my cup of tea, not because I don't particularly like country music, but especially because I don't like country music trying to be hip-hop (the Nelly collaboration wasn't coincidental; "Cruise" has all the law-breakin', girl objectifyin', nonsensical lyrics as any ordinary hip-hop song).

3. Mike WiLL Made It, Miley Cyrus, Wiz Khalifa, and Juicy J-23
Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 11
I didn't want to include Miley Cyrus or Mike WiLL, but I honestly just couldn't resist. This song is...no, this is just not right. Miley, you can sing, you can play the guitar all right and your songwriting is good, but please don't EVER elect to rap. Aside from the fact that "23" is just a hip-hop wannabe of Taylor Swift's "22", not one thing about this song is redeeming. Miley can't rap, Wiz Khalifa is high as a kite (per the usual), and Juicy J is...well Juicy J, his rapping is just as much of a stutter as it's ever been. Mike WiLL is an excellent producer, but this song just does not do him or anybody involved justice. Lyrically, I can't even tell what this song is about. I mean, I can discern similarities between this and "22", but most of the time I'm so repulsed by the botched attempts at rap that I can't even focus on the lyrics. And the music isn't helping, it's probably just the most boring, generic hip-hop beat you can come up with. Not to mention that this song sounds like all of the other songs that have come from Mike WiLL (this unfortunately includes 2012's piece of garbage "Bandz A Make Her Dance"). So yeah, a hip-hop song making its way onto my 'worst of' list, I'm just as surprised as you are...

2. Maejor Ali, Juicy J, and Justin Bieber-Lolly
Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 19
Hey Maejor Ali, Lil Wayne already did this song...better! (waaaaaaaait, did I really just say that?) Also, Justin Bieber, YOU CAN'T RAP! And Juicy J is...well, Juicy J. I have to that man some credit though, he's the only artist to make two appearances on the 'worst songs' list this year (sorry I couldn't find two Bieber titles, but for some reason none of the songs he's released this year qualified for this list. Don't worry, he'll have his day in the sun come 2014). Anyway, I don't know what I hate about this song more: the lyrics, the rapping, the production, or the music video. All three of these guys are just walking around, bragging about their non-existent swag while, you guessed it, trying to pick up a girl. I think all of the 'artists' featured here have no distinctions to their flow what-so-ever, it's all flat and static. I mean, I just can't intake all of the suckiness that's contained in this one song. Also, Maejor Ali, get rid of that 'e' in your name, nobody likes a bad speller (including this asshole!)

1. Drake and Lil Wayne-Started from the Bottom
Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 6
"Started from the Bottom, now we here"...*Breathes in, breathes out*...
ARE.YOU.FUCKING.KIDDING.ME. Drake, you started from the bottom? How the hell is a popular teen show, a swimming pool in your childhood backyard, and having rich parents starting from the bottom?!! I mean, let's think about this for a sec: most rappers make their career flaunting their cars, their chains, their women, and how they're the best artist to ever walk the earth (Kanye West, anybody?), but it takes real balls to claim that you once had nothing, but now have everything, when you had everything to begin with! You get pissed off at Justin Bieber for rapping about how many women he can get? Well he's an asshole, but at least it's the truth, that kid could get more ass than a toilet seat. "Started from the Bottom" is about as truthful as saying Chris Brown isn't a woman-beater (sorry, I'm never letting that go). Drake came from money and has always had money, he lived a nice life and starred in DeGrassi when he was a teenager. He did not 'start from the bottom', and I find it absolutely repulsive that he would even consider saying that he did. Even more offensive is having Lil Wayne on this track (wow, another Drake and Lil Wayne duet? I totally didn't see that one coming...). Of course he has to drop the N-word over and over and over again, even when the phrases don't rhyme and that word serves no purpose to the song or its message. Musically, it's just run-of-the-mill, worse than that, if at all possible. It's just baffling to me how so many people buy into this stuff. Come on people, come on.

Well there you have it, the ten worst songs of 2013 (in my opinion). I know it was wordy and filled with profanity (that's not going away anytime soon...). Honorable mentions go out to Justin Bieber and Nicki Minaj's "Beauty and a Beat" (you know why), Icona Pop's "I Love It" (a verse and a chorus...you guys seriously couldn't do any better than that?), and of course, probably the biggest song to ever widen the gap between men and women, Robin Thicke's "Blurred Lines", which unfortunately, due to its overwhelming popularity, must make an appearance on my 'best songs' list for the year. I know, I'm just as frustrated as you are. But, until then, I hope you are amused by my ramblings, and I hope you continue reading!