Serving the Military: My Summer in the Express (Part 1)

First things first, what the heck is an "Express"? Well essentially it's just the gas station side of a PX. What is a PX you ask? That, my good friends, is like a mini-Walmart where soldiers can get a whole variety of things, from new uniforms to blankets to flat screen TVs to health and beauty products. 

Now that we got that out of the way, today's post is about what it's REALLY like to work in the gas station part of the PX. There's a common misconception that the US military are all full of good-hearted, kind human beings that are selfless and are incredibly easy to work with. I will tell you right freaking now, that is NOT the case. 

Throughout the summer of 2014 I served the most stupid, wasteful, bitchy individuals that I have ever seen in my life. I was completely appalled at how hoards upon hoards of soldiers would just waltz into the PX and expect that us workers could perform God-like service with the few people we have working there (for the record this PX is located in Fort McCoy, Wisconsin, and is not big at all compared to the monstrous sizes of other PXs). But it doesn't stop there: the management actually expects us to work in what we call 'Snack Avenue' (where the roller grills, soda machines and sandwiches/burritos/calzones/wraps are) while we have to serve thousands of people (and it has to be fully stocked and updated at all times of the day. Yeah good luck with that one). Oh and did I mentioned only one person is allowed to run Snack Avenue at a time? And then said person is supposed to clean up Snack Avenue at the end of the day?

More on that later. Right now, let's continue into the (not-so) wondrous world of being an Express worker. So I categorized my customers into three often overlapping groups: stupid, wasteful, bitchy. I know you were probably offended that I could ever call the sacred military those words, but why don't I show you first hand the wretched customers I serve on a daily basis? Throughout the next part of this post, I will recall a variety of scenarios that made me lose virtually all faith in the military (as well as humanity). I will start with what the customer said/did, and I will respond to what I WISH I could've said; the thoughts that were screaming in my mind but could never say to risk of losing my source of income. 

Category #1 (my favorite): STUPID
Customer: *Opens warmer under the roller grill. Opens cabinets under the warmer* "Excuse me sir, where are your hot dog buns?"
Me: I don't know, maybe in the cabinet to your left that says 'Fresh Buns Inside'?

Customer: "Hey do you have Copenhagen wintergreen"?
Me: "I only have pouches"
Customer: "Okay"
*I bring him a tin of copenhagen wintergreen pouches*
Customer: "Yeah but do you have the ones without the pouches?"

Customer: "Hey I'll have a tin of Grizzly Mint pouches please"
*I bring him a tin of Grizzly Mint pouches*
Customer: "Those are pouches"
Me: "Yeah, that's what you said"
Customer: "No it's not."
Me: Sir I will shove this can of chew down your trachea

Customer: "The pad says 'Enter Pin or Press Cancel for Credit', what does that mean?"
Me: Gee, I think it means that you should enter your pin number for your debit card, or press the red cancel button to run it as a credit card

Customer: "The pad is asking if I want a receipt, what do all these options (print, email, both, none) mean?"
Me: Man, that pin pad is so cryptic isn't it? #sarcasm

Customer: "Hey can I have a pack of Camel menthol please?"
*I bring a pack of Camel menthol*
Customer: "No I said Marlboro menthol 100s"
Me: Sir I will strangle you with your own cat-eye band

Customer: "What do you have in wintergreen chew?"
Me: "Nothing, I don't have any wintergreen in any brand"
Customer: "Do you have copenhagen wintergreen?"
Me: "No, I just said I don't"
Customer: "Do you have Grizzly?"
Me: "No sir, I DON'T HAVE ANY WINTERGREEN IN ANY BRAND"
Customer: "What?! You don't have any wintergreen in copenhagen OR grizzly?"
Me: *Screams for eternity and a half*

Me: "Sir, it looks like this item isn't ringing up"
Customer: "Just enter in the price it's $2.69"
Me: You know you're at the PX and not Wal-Mart, right?

Customer: "Oh no, you don't have ANY of the cigarrettes/chew I want?" *Stands there for ages, somehow expecting me to just pull a pack of smokes out of my ass*
Me: Sir, I'm a cashier, not a miracle worker

Customer: "What? You can check out Express items at Military clothing and Customer Service and PowerZone and not have to wait in these super long lines?"
Me: No, we're just telling you that to make you walk around the store more. For your health. It's very important to us, you know. #moresarcasm

Customer: "What?? You can get cigarettes at ANY register in the Express?"
Me: DUH. What, do you need me to spell it out on paper?! (Actually scratch that, even if we did these morons still wouldn't get it")

Customer: "How are you guys all out of chew?"
Me: Gee I wonder. It's not like we don't have a bus of 30+ soliders coming every 15 minutes. And we definitely don't have to serve all 8000-15000 troops we have on base right now. Every single day. #sarcasmtothemax

Customer: "Why are you guys so busy all the time?"
Me: See the above response^

I personally love it when the Express cashiers turn their lights on, no one will go to their register. But as soon as we turn our lights off, EVERYBODY comes to our registers. Or they'll ask these commonly asked questions:

Me: *Turns my light off to signal I'm closing down*
Customer: "Hey are you open?"
Me: No sir, I just turned my light off to save energy and help the environment

Me: *Turns my light on to signal that I'm opening up*
Customer: "Hey are you open?"
Me: No sir, I just turned my light on to brighten the place up a bit. These huge windows certainly don't let in enough sunlight

And then of course, the most stupid, unintelligent people I have to deal with go something like this:
Customer: "What? I can't buy tobacco,alcohol, or gas without a military ID/with an expired ID?"
Me: I don't get it either, seeing as how the PX is a store for the military and not ordinary civilians. I'm sure your commanding officer won't take your uniform away if I let you buy it anyway, even though he/she specifically said that you need to have your unexpired military ID with you at all times. 

Customer: "I don't have a military ID. Will my driver's license work?"
Me: See above scenario^

So yeah. I deal with all of these situations every day at work for 6-8 hours, and then I have to get up and do it all again the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that...
Seriously though, these people are so dumb I don't understand how they passed their ASVAB. And here's the zinger: these specific soldiers will eventually go overseas and defend the US in combat. Yeah; just let that sink in for a minute.

Join me later when I delve into how wasteful these stupid-heads are. Trust me, all that glitters sure as hell ain't gold.

Artists in My iTunes Library

In case anybody ever thought that my musical tastes weren't diverse or random enough, let's take a peek into my iTunes Library and see what I currently and have in the past listened to. No filter, no alterations, no omissions, these artists are for real on my computer at this very moment:

Adele
Alanis Morissette
Aly & AJ
Ariana Grande
Ashlee Simpson
Ashley Tisdale
Avril Lavigne
Benny Benassi
Beyonce
Britney Spears
Calvin Harris
Carly Rae Jepsen
Cascada
Charlotte Church
Cher
Christina Aguilera
Christina Perri
Daft Punk
David Guetta
Death Cab for Cutie
Demi Lovato
Des'ree
Dido
Disclosure
Donna Lewis
Ellie Goulding
Enya
Evanescence
Fiona Apple
Gwen Stefani
Hilary Duff
Icona Pop
Iggy Azalea
Jennifer Lopez
Jewel
JoJo
Kacey Musgraves
Karmin
Kaskade
Katy B
Katy Perry
Katy Rose
Ke$ha
Kelis
Kelly Clarkson
The Key of Awesome
Krewella
Kylie Minogue
Lady Gaga
Lana Del Rey
Lea Michele
Lily Allen
Lindsay Lohan
Liz Phair
Lorde
M.I.A.
Madonna
Mariah Carey
Maroon 5
Michelle Branch
Miley Cyrus
Miranda Cosgrove
Miranda Lambert
Missy Elliot
Nelly Furtado
Owl City
P!nk
Paramore
Peaches
Pistol Annies
Port Blue
The Postal Service
The Pussycat Dolls
Rebecca Black
Rihanna
Sarah McLachlan
Selena Gomez
Shakira
Shania Twain
Sheryl Crow
Shiny Toy Guns
Shontelle
Sia
Sixpence None the Richer
Sky Sailing
Skye Sweetnam
Spice Girls
Swimming with Dolphins
t.A.T.u
Tata Young
Taylor Swift
Tears for Fears
Tegan and Sara
The Veronicas
Weird Al Yankovic
Zedd

Iggy Azalea-"The New Classic" Review

You'd be forgiven if you mistook Aussie-born Amethyst Kelly (a.k.a. Iggy Azalea) for Karmin front-woman Amy Heidemann. They both come from well-to-do backgrounds, shamelessly streamline Nicki Minaj into white-rap culture, fake a "blaccent", and specialize in sharply-tongued hip/hop-pop (it's probably not a coincidence that the two have platinum blonde hair as well). Then when you have song titles like "Fancy", "Goddess", "Lady Patra", and add in lines like "First things first, I'm the realest", it's awfully hard not to associate the two women who constantly feel the need to reassert their musicality and star power. But while they have that in common, what sets them apart is that Azalea is primarily a rapper, not a singer trying to be a rapper like Heidemann, so her flow is more fully formed, and does a much better job at being the white Nicki Minaj. Azalea also picks better collaborators, ones who play on her strengths, instead of showcasing her nagging flaws (ahem Nick Noonan and The Elev3n). Also, as shallow as her backstory may seem, "The New Classic" does a good job of weaving the elements of perseverance and hard work into some hooky hip/hop. You of course have "Fancy", featuring Charli XCX which shines as one of the most fun tracks here, second only to the trappy "New Bitch", one of the few songs on this record set in a major key. Oddly, the middle/back-half of "The New Classic" contains the most upbeat songs, because the beginning of the album doesn't try too hard in the way of grabbing interest. In fact, Azalea sounds more defeated in "Walk the Line" and "Don't Need Ya'll", rather than the triumphant underdog persona that's present in "Work" and "Impossible is Nothing". All four songs ride the same trend of rising above everyone else, but they don't seem to connect with each other in the way that an album should. That same disconnect could be applied to Iggy Azalea in general: a young, pretty model from Australia who dated A$AP Rocky and was mentored by T.I. had to work hard for this rapping career? Of course she left home at 16 to pursue it, but still, the fact that she had the privilege to make that choice at all kind of goes against the whole premise that "The New Classic" is built on. 

At face value, the songs are catchy enough to rival Nicki Minaj's pop/rap blends, though aren't as distinctive. Azalea has fun with it all, even when she confronts the issues of love, money, and fame, she delivers it with the same no fucks given swagger that for a moment outshines the two big, interrelated problems here. The first, is that while Azalea would like to be a progressive rap artist like Nicki Minaj or Missy Elliot, there's not a "Super Bass" or "Supa Dupa Fly" on this record, far and away from being 'classic'. The second, is that she can fake the hood look and aesthetic, but it's just not enough to act the part. It's something that you have to be, and Azalea's boasting of diamonds, self-sufficiency, and wealthy men don't exactly evoke the thug life. But maybe she doesn't want to be the next Jay-Z, Kanye, or Eminem; for all of her bling and swagger, she might just want to be steadily on the fringes of rap and pop, pulling elements from both genres so that she can please either audience. Needless to say it doesn't always work, but for better or for worse, "The New Classic" has brought what could be the next generation of rap/pop. We'll see.

Recommended Tracks in Bold:

1. Walk the Line      2. Don’t Need Y’all                 3. 100

4. Change Your Life  5. Fancy                                 6. New Bitch

7. Work                       8. Impossible is Nothing 9. Goddess

10. Black Widow        11. Lady Patra                         12. Fuck Love