First things first, what the heck is an "Express"? Well essentially it's just the gas station side of a PX. What is a PX you ask? That, my good friends, is like a mini-Walmart where soldiers can get a whole variety of things, from new uniforms to blankets to flat screen TVs to health and beauty products.
Now that we got that out of the way, today's post is about what it's REALLY like to work in the gas station part of the PX. There's a common misconception that the US military are all full of good-hearted, kind human beings that are selfless and are incredibly easy to work with. I will tell you right freaking now, that is NOT the case.
Throughout the summer of 2014 I served the most stupid, wasteful, bitchy individuals that I have ever seen in my life. I was completely appalled at how hoards upon hoards of soldiers would just waltz into the PX and expect that us workers could perform God-like service with the few people we have working there (for the record this PX is located in Fort McCoy, Wisconsin, and is not big at all compared to the monstrous sizes of other PXs). But it doesn't stop there: the management actually expects us to work in what we call 'Snack Avenue' (where the roller grills, soda machines and sandwiches/burritos/calzones/wraps are) while we have to serve thousands of people (and it has to be fully stocked and updated at all times of the day. Yeah good luck with that one). Oh and did I mentioned only one person is allowed to run Snack Avenue at a time? And then said person is supposed to clean up Snack Avenue at the end of the day?
More on that later. Right now, let's continue into the (not-so) wondrous world of being an Express worker. So I categorized my customers into three often overlapping groups: stupid, wasteful, bitchy. I know you were probably offended that I could ever call the sacred military those words, but why don't I show you first hand the wretched customers I serve on a daily basis? Throughout the next part of this post, I will recall a variety of scenarios that made me lose virtually all faith in the military (as well as humanity). I will start with what the customer said/did, and I will respond to what I WISH I could've said; the thoughts that were screaming in my mind but could never say to risk of losing my source of income.
Category #1 (my favorite): STUPID
Customer: *Opens warmer under the roller grill. Opens cabinets under the warmer* "Excuse me sir, where are your hot dog buns?"
Me: I don't know, maybe in the cabinet to your left that says 'Fresh Buns Inside'?
Customer: "Hey do you have Copenhagen wintergreen"?
Me: "I only have pouches"
Customer: "Okay"
*I bring him a tin of copenhagen wintergreen pouches*
Customer: "Yeah but do you have the ones without the pouches?"
Customer: "Hey I'll have a tin of Grizzly Mint pouches please"
*I bring him a tin of Grizzly Mint pouches*
Customer: "Those are pouches"
Me: "Yeah, that's what you said"
Customer: "No it's not."
Me: Sir I will shove this can of chew down your trachea
Customer: "The pad says 'Enter Pin or Press Cancel for Credit', what does that mean?"
Me: Gee, I think it means that you should enter your pin number for your debit card, or press the red cancel button to run it as a credit card
Customer: "The pad is asking if I want a receipt, what do all these options (print, email, both, none) mean?"
Me: Man, that pin pad is so cryptic isn't it? #sarcasm
Customer: "Hey can I have a pack of Camel menthol please?"
*I bring a pack of Camel menthol*
Customer: "No I said Marlboro menthol 100s"
Me: Sir I will strangle you with your own cat-eye band
Customer: "What do you have in wintergreen chew?"
Me: "Nothing, I don't have any wintergreen in any brand"
Customer: "Do you have copenhagen wintergreen?"
Me: "No, I just said I don't"
Customer: "Do you have Grizzly?"
Me: "No sir, I DON'T HAVE ANY WINTERGREEN IN ANY BRAND"
Customer: "What?! You don't have any wintergreen in copenhagen OR grizzly?"
Me: *Screams for eternity and a half*
Me: "Sir, it looks like this item isn't ringing up"
Customer: "Just enter in the price it's $2.69"
Me: You know you're at the PX and not Wal-Mart, right?
Customer: "Oh no, you don't have ANY of the cigarrettes/chew I want?" *Stands there for ages, somehow expecting me to just pull a pack of smokes out of my ass*
Me: Sir, I'm a cashier, not a miracle worker
Customer: "What? You can check out Express items at Military clothing and Customer Service and PowerZone and not have to wait in these super long lines?"
Me: No, we're just telling you that to make you walk around the store more. For your health. It's very important to us, you know. #moresarcasm
Customer: "What?? You can get cigarettes at ANY register in the Express?"
Me: DUH. What, do you need me to spell it out on paper?! (Actually scratch that, even if we did these morons still wouldn't get it")
Customer: "How are you guys all out of chew?"
Me: Gee I wonder. It's not like we don't have a bus of 30+ soliders coming every 15 minutes. And we definitely don't have to serve all 8000-15000 troops we have on base right now. Every single day. #sarcasmtothemax
Customer: "Why are you guys so busy all the time?"
Me: See the above response^
I personally love it when the Express cashiers turn their lights on, no one will go to their register. But as soon as we turn our lights off, EVERYBODY comes to our registers. Or they'll ask these commonly asked questions:
Me: *Turns my light off to signal I'm closing down*
Customer: "Hey are you open?"
Me: No sir, I just turned my light off to save energy and help the environment
Me: *Turns my light on to signal that I'm opening up*
Customer: "Hey are you open?"
Me: No sir, I just turned my light on to brighten the place up a bit. These huge windows certainly don't let in enough sunlight
And then of course, the most stupid, unintelligent people I have to deal with go something like this:
Customer: "What? I can't buy tobacco,alcohol, or gas without a military ID/with an expired ID?"
Me: I don't get it either, seeing as how the PX is a store for the military and not ordinary civilians. I'm sure your commanding officer won't take your uniform away if I let you buy it anyway, even though he/she specifically said that you need to have your unexpired military ID with you at all times.
Customer: "I don't have a military ID. Will my driver's license work?"
Me: See above scenario^
So yeah. I deal with all of these situations every day at work for 6-8 hours, and then I have to get up and do it all again the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that...
Seriously though, these people are so dumb I don't understand how they passed their ASVAB. And here's the zinger: these specific soldiers will eventually go overseas and defend the US in combat. Yeah; just let that sink in for a minute.
Join me later when I delve into how wasteful these stupid-heads are. Trust me, all that glitters sure as hell ain't gold.
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