The 10 Worst Songs of 2014

Welp, another year has come and gone, and another year has brought us a wide variety of songs, ranging from progressive, catchy, and amazing to stupid, listless, and some honestly quite atrocious. As always, this loud mouth blogger has something to say about the worst that this year had to bring, so let's get to it, shall we? This is my list for the 10 worst songs of 2014. Break out the popcorn, this is gonna get good!!

10. Sam Smith-Stay With Me
US Billboard Hot 1oo Peak: 2
*Snoring* ...huh what? Oh yeah that's right I was writing a blog. My lord, this song is just so, fucking, BORING!! It's literally the same three chords repeated ad nauseam with Sam's whiny, high-pitched squeaky voice saying "stay with meeeeee" over and over. Not to mention the fact that this was so damn overplayed this year it made me sick to my stomach just passing it by while I was surfing the radio. I know most of you are already cursing me out right now because "Sam Smith has a beautiful voice" and "His music is so thoughtful and good" and "He's just like Adele, how can he not be good?" That's the thing: he's NOT Adele! He wishes he could be, but ripping off her sound THIS blatantly is honestly appalling. We've literally heard all of this stuff before, why do we continue to keep jamming more of it down our throats? 

9. Magic!-Rude
US Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 1 (Six Weeks)
Now, if "Stay With Me" was so overplayed and it only reached number two, what do you think my main complaint for this chart-topping song is gonna be? Well actually, besides the fact that you could not go to any radio station without them playing this a million times an hour, I also heartily dislike it for two main reasons. The first, is that just like Sam Smith, this Canadian quartet has chosen to copy another artist's sound instead of trying to do something progressive with it. The artist of choice this time? Bob Marley, only not as good and not nearly as peaceful and intelligent. Why? This leads to my second problem: the hook of this song. "Why you gotta be so rude? I'm gonna marry her anyway". So after Magic! has just spent an entire verse explaining how our 'protagonist' is planning to propose to his girlfriend, but first asks for her dad's blessing, they essentially reject the dad's rejection by claiming "Screw you, I'll do whatever I want to anyway, making this whole entire song utterly pointless!" Well, maybe not exactly like that, but you know what I mean. Also, when the dad specifically says no (THREE times!) and you run off and just disobey him, who's the rude one here? 

8. Jennifer Lopez and PitBull or Iggy Azalea-Booty
US Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 18
As Bart Baker well put it: Here's another shitty song about booty. Last year we were forced to endure the vile "Bubble Butt" from Major Lazer, now we have gems like this song. Jennifer Lopez, known mostly for her big tushy is singing a song about big booties? What a shocker! Besides the fact that J.Lo once again stoops to tasteless commercialism to sell her music (as well as herself), she once again drags PitBull along for the ride. Although to his credit, PitBull actually is the only thing that makes this song hilarious instead of irritating. Not the case as much with Iggy Azalea, who honestly is just there to inflate J.Lo's ego even more. Believe it or not, six songwriters were needed to write this song. Yes, six! And while the music has a cool Indian-flare to it, it's also so redundant of everything else J.Lo has done, it's a miracle it wound up this good! Pair this with a music video that's trying too hard, yet not trying hard enough, and you have your eighth worst song of the year.

7. MKTO-Classic
US Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 14
First things first: MKTO, please remember the golden rule: Never mention a superior artist's work just to enhance your own. They name drop Michael Jackson, Prince, Frank Sinatra, and Marvin Gaye while comparing their love interest to Beyonce, Marilyn Monroe, and Audrey Hepburn. They additionally add references to the 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, AND 80s, and to top it all off they further name-drop 'chic' locales such as 5th avenue and silver screens while referencing Cadillacs, diamonds, and plastic surgery (saying their crush doesn't need it, of course). When you take away all the lyrical cliches and generic R&B/rock/pop (I think I got them all?) sound, what does this song have left? Exactly, NOTHING...and the word 'classic' repeated a suicide-inducing number of times. That's not saying this is as bad as say...I don't know the Biebs or 1D, but it's still boy band teen-pop gibberish all the same. Please boys, try a little harder next time.

6. Chris Brown and Lil Wayne, French Montana, and Tyga-Loyal
US Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 9
Okay, the second you put Chris Brown, Lil Wayne, and Tyga on one track, you better believe I'm not gonna be happy about it. Dragging French Montana into it is just mean. Anyway all things aside, I don't think this song is AS repulsive as 2013's "Love More", but I'm still not throwing this guy a bone any time soon. Or ever. As always, Lil Wayne piggybacks off another artist just to get more money, fame, chart credibility etc. And Tyga...why is he here? Why is he even necessary? Who was asking for this? Oh yeah that's right...sorry I forgot their intended target audience for a minute. French Montana has gotten so much publicity for being around Khloe Kardashian, maybe he thought he should be on this too so we could remember that he, um, raps as well? However this song came about...it just shouldn't have.

5. Jason Derulo-Trumpets
US Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 14
I know what you're thinking, "How can a classically-trained musician like Maestro not like a song with the word 'trumpet' in the title?" Well basically it goes like this: just because a song title is good, doesn't mean that the song itself is good. That could not be any more true when it comes to this song: a half-assed, clumsily-written, and poorly produced affair that contains zero of Jason Derulo's sexual charisma or even a hint of personality. It's really just about the childishly simplistic trumpet riff that's so annoying I'd rather listen to the trumpet players at my college do their routine. And that's saying something! Oh, it would also sound better too. 

4. Luke Bryan-Play It Again
US Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 14
In 2013, Luke Bryan no doubt assisted Florida-Georgia Line into completely blurring the lines between the genres of country and hip-hop until a new hybrid was born: Bro-Country. Which is essentially just hip-hop music masquerading as country music by adding banjos and references to catfish dinners, rivers of beer, and trucks. Can't forget dem trucks in 'Murica!! Anyway, Mr. Bryan continued his devolution from neo-traditionalist to country party bro with "Play It Again", a...feel good (?) song that's about a girl (supposedly Luke's date for the night) wanting her favorite song to be replayed. Yeah, because we obviously haven't heard this theme before (mentioning J.Lo before this wasn't intentional, but now her song "Play" from 2001 comes to mind). Only this time around, the songwriting is incredibly lazy (if you can even call it 'song' writing...more like narrating a night out in unnecessarily tedious detail) and the music behind it is just so flat and lifeless, utterly failing the song's intentions (if there really are any). Ladies, I know Luke Bryan is a good-looking guy, but even you have to admit that he can do so much better than this (in fact he HAS done better).

3. Becky G-Shower
US Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 16
Again, another seemingly harmless pop song on the list? And so high up? I must be a little too hard on pop artists (because obviously I'M the one that's been saying all pop music is shit and that it's not 'real' music...oh wait...). Anyway getting down to it: I've never really liked Becky G as an artist in the first place. I'm sorry, I just don't dig her sound (which is...what? Pop? R&B? Hip-Hop?), and don't even get me started on "Oath", her awful collaboration with Cher Lloyd. But I digress, "Shower" is third place on this list because: you guessed it, Lazy Songwriting!! Actually, before we even get to the music can we all just take note of the fact that this entire song is about the shower? Oh I'm sorry, singing in the shower because, you know, she's in love and she feels the need to let everyone know about it over a truly terrible arrangement of beat patterns and synth arrangements. The music is so bad I actually got distracted from the lyrics for a minute, which are mediocre teen-pop at best and at their worst are just listless.

2. Florida-Georgia Line feat. Luke Bryan and Jason Derulo-This is How We Roll
US Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 15
Before I start, let me just say I didn't want to include Luke Bryan and Jason Derulo on this list twice, but...I just couldn't. Mainly, because they had the misguidance to join country's (least) favorite frat boys on a, um, song that takes "Cruise" one step beyond the blasphemous bro-country hybrid and into straight shit. Obviously, Florida-Georgia Line are one of my least favorite artists, but not because "Cruise" gave them a bad name (which it justifiably does, to be honest). I don't like them because they're music is awful, not the other way around. And cash-grab party jams like this prove why. I mean honestly, featuring two of 2014's most prominent hit-makers on a song is not just pure coincidence, "This is How We Roll" is a calculation for maximum profit in every way possible. From the not-that-country-at-all music to the endless verbal diarrhea coming from all artists involved, it's an absolute miracle that this song isn't number one on this list. It's not, because believe it or not, the worst song of 2014 managed to be even, fucking, worse.

1. Nicki Minaj-Anaconda
US Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 2
Admit it, you saw this coming from a mile away didn't you? But before I dissect this, I have to confess that I actually...kind of...like it. Okay now before you get pissed, I will remind you that this is DEFINITELY without question the absolute worst song I've heard this year. But, it's also got that 'so bad it's good' quality that pops up from time to time. But I'll leave my defenses at that because I have to tell you, it honestly dumbfounds me how Nicki Minaj went from such a great single in "Pills n Potions" to this. Like, how is this even possible, to release such a good song and such a bad song within the same number months? While "Pills" was emotional and more expressive, this non-song is just shit. The lyrics are by far the worst I've heard this year, even though they surprisingly aren't the laziest; they just lack substance and don't seem coherent at all when compared to the supposed 'love your big body' message of the song. And then there's the obvious problem of labeling this a 'feminist anthem' and then releasing a music video that's so God-awfully atrocious and anti-woman that it honestly sets Nicki's reputation back even farther than it's already gotten. But, I can forgive ALL of that nonsense when given the real reason why this is the worst song of the year: even though I've mentioned laziness countless times already, at least those songs were original and a sliver of thought obviously had to have been put into them. For Nicki Minaj to even call this 'her' song is criminal because it's not! It's Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back" butchered up into pieces with Nicki spewing unintelligible rhymes, and what the hell is with all that squealing in the last TWO minutes of the song? Was she gagging or something? Anyway, I've liked Nicki for a while now but good golly this might be one of the worst songs I've ever heard ever. 

And there you have it! Honorable mentions go to Jason Derulo and Snoop Dogg's "Wiggle" (no explanations needed), Maroon 5's "Animals" for turning Adam Levine into a bigger creep than he already is, Nicki Minaj's "Lookin' Ass ******" (you know what that last word is), and I'll give some lip service to the pop haters by dishonorably mentioning One Direction's "Story of My Life", for yet another pop song about nothing in particular except girls (seriously, can't they sing about anything else...anything??).