So, some people think that I'm too hard on One Direction. Ok, I don't really see that (...), but I decided to look into these claims. So, I found a pair of Jenna Marbles' rose-colored glasses, and they made me see the positive things that I didn't really notice before. One Direction actually tells us some pretty true stuff that I never would have known before they said it. And now I would like to share with you the knowledge that has been acquired from the next biggest British boy band since...I'm sorry, no amount of positive outlook will warrant that comparison...let's just get to it:
First off, One Direction taught me that you do indeed die when you're 40, and you can only live while you're young. You can do whatever you want, go crazy until you can see the sun, pick up any random girl and pretend to be in love, and don't forget to 'get some' (if you know what I mean). It's OK to do all of those things, and people shouldn't judge you, because you're young. But the second you grow old, no, you have to put yourself out to pasture and watch the next generation party until vomit is coming out of their ears. That's a good philosophy to live by, get all of your rebellion out now, forget about jobs or building a good character and resume, that will just work itself out when you finally do get sober enough to fill out an application legibly. And then you can impress your future boss with your work history of partying, having sex, doing weird drugs that make you see the sun, and most importantly, your mad skills of living while you're young. Thanks One Direction, you've given me solace in the fact that having fun while I'm young is okay, and I don't have to worry about what will happen when I get old, everything will fall right into place!
The next thing One Direction taught me, is that it's ok to give a girl your honest opinion about her appearance, just as long as you do it in a cute, adorable way that cancels out any offensive things that could come from your inferior guy mind: "You're fat, and those jeans squeeze you more than my own mother, but you're perfect for me! Your eyes are wrinkly and your stomach and thighs are disgusting, but I still love you! I can connect the dots with your freckles, but that's what's adorable about you!" It's like: "Yeah I'll say stupid things that should never come out of anyone's mouth, but it's because I truly love you". Amazing! Thanks One Direction for giving me confidence for when the next time a girl asks me if her dress makes her butt look big. I can say yes, but then justify it by saying that I love that about her, it'll make her not pissed at me! You guys just solved a centuries-old dilemma when it comes to telling a girl how she looks in a non-offensive way.
On the same subject of beauty and appearances, One Direction taught me that smiling at the ground isn't actually all that ugly, it can make you beautiful! That's awesome, I smile at the ground all the time, sometimes it even talks to me (or maybe I just need to lay off the drugs), but either way, it actually looks beautiful! Oh, and if you ever think that you're not beautiful, or just don't know it, that is beautiful too!! It's not annoying, oh no, when you don't know you're beautiful, even though you obviously are, that's the most attractive thing to a guy. Not your brain, or your talents, or any other possible character traits, appearances are what it's all about. Glinda was right, it's not about aptitude, it's about the way you're viewed! Thank you One Direction, for finally setting that record straight, all guys really care about is looks, end of story! Here I was, appreciating girls for their intellect and their generosity, without knowing that I was doing it all wrong, that's not what's important, it's the outside that's more important than the inside.
One Direction also taught me that they need that one thing...and I've got that one thing!!!! Wait, I'm a guy...this is kind of awkward...but thanks for letting me know that I'm special too! Yeah so if you're ever feeling un-loved and that no one wants you, FALSE, One Direction doesn't just want you, they NEED you, because you've got that "one thing" ;D
The next thing they taught me was that: Fellas, instead of being an asshole, be super-nice to get the girls. Make a bunch of promises you know you'll never keep, compliment her to death, kiss her everywhere that's inside or outside, buy her plenty of roses, basically be perfect. Like, God perfect, it IS possible to be the fantasy guy for every single girl out there. It's not fake at all, men can totally act like that without being seen as homosexual, and girls just eat that shit up. Once again proving that it's all about appearances when it comes to girls, but when it comes to guys, then it's all about what's on the inside in addition to having great hair and a lifeguard's body. Prince Charming is what the ladies want, not a down to earth guy that believes in gender equality and all that crap, oh no. Thanks One Direction for teaching me how to successfully pick up women, I thought that you had to have a great personality and treat her with respect, but now I know that I've been doing that wrong too! Phew, that'll save me future embarrassment!
Lastly, One Direction taught me that if you're not sure about what to do in a song once the lyrics run out, just put in a "Na na" or "Whoa oh" in the middle and BAM! Instant chart topper-panty dropper!
You see, One Direction is a valuable resource in music today. They tell it like it is and to be honest, with three top forty hits under their belt, they're going to be here for a LONG time, not like NSYNC that sold millions of albums and singles worldwide, oh no. They're definitely going to be the longest running boy band ever, so it's good to just keep learning from them as much as possible. I mean, what else are we gonna do, listen to quality music? Puh-leeaasse, One Direction is the best we've got! Whoo.
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