The 10 Worst Songs of 2014

Welp, another year has come and gone, and another year has brought us a wide variety of songs, ranging from progressive, catchy, and amazing to stupid, listless, and some honestly quite atrocious. As always, this loud mouth blogger has something to say about the worst that this year had to bring, so let's get to it, shall we? This is my list for the 10 worst songs of 2014. Break out the popcorn, this is gonna get good!!

10. Sam Smith-Stay With Me
US Billboard Hot 1oo Peak: 2
*Snoring* ...huh what? Oh yeah that's right I was writing a blog. My lord, this song is just so, fucking, BORING!! It's literally the same three chords repeated ad nauseam with Sam's whiny, high-pitched squeaky voice saying "stay with meeeeee" over and over. Not to mention the fact that this was so damn overplayed this year it made me sick to my stomach just passing it by while I was surfing the radio. I know most of you are already cursing me out right now because "Sam Smith has a beautiful voice" and "His music is so thoughtful and good" and "He's just like Adele, how can he not be good?" That's the thing: he's NOT Adele! He wishes he could be, but ripping off her sound THIS blatantly is honestly appalling. We've literally heard all of this stuff before, why do we continue to keep jamming more of it down our throats? 

9. Magic!-Rude
US Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 1 (Six Weeks)
Now, if "Stay With Me" was so overplayed and it only reached number two, what do you think my main complaint for this chart-topping song is gonna be? Well actually, besides the fact that you could not go to any radio station without them playing this a million times an hour, I also heartily dislike it for two main reasons. The first, is that just like Sam Smith, this Canadian quartet has chosen to copy another artist's sound instead of trying to do something progressive with it. The artist of choice this time? Bob Marley, only not as good and not nearly as peaceful and intelligent. Why? This leads to my second problem: the hook of this song. "Why you gotta be so rude? I'm gonna marry her anyway". So after Magic! has just spent an entire verse explaining how our 'protagonist' is planning to propose to his girlfriend, but first asks for her dad's blessing, they essentially reject the dad's rejection by claiming "Screw you, I'll do whatever I want to anyway, making this whole entire song utterly pointless!" Well, maybe not exactly like that, but you know what I mean. Also, when the dad specifically says no (THREE times!) and you run off and just disobey him, who's the rude one here? 

8. Jennifer Lopez and PitBull or Iggy Azalea-Booty
US Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 18
As Bart Baker well put it: Here's another shitty song about booty. Last year we were forced to endure the vile "Bubble Butt" from Major Lazer, now we have gems like this song. Jennifer Lopez, known mostly for her big tushy is singing a song about big booties? What a shocker! Besides the fact that J.Lo once again stoops to tasteless commercialism to sell her music (as well as herself), she once again drags PitBull along for the ride. Although to his credit, PitBull actually is the only thing that makes this song hilarious instead of irritating. Not the case as much with Iggy Azalea, who honestly is just there to inflate J.Lo's ego even more. Believe it or not, six songwriters were needed to write this song. Yes, six! And while the music has a cool Indian-flare to it, it's also so redundant of everything else J.Lo has done, it's a miracle it wound up this good! Pair this with a music video that's trying too hard, yet not trying hard enough, and you have your eighth worst song of the year.

7. MKTO-Classic
US Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 14
First things first: MKTO, please remember the golden rule: Never mention a superior artist's work just to enhance your own. They name drop Michael Jackson, Prince, Frank Sinatra, and Marvin Gaye while comparing their love interest to Beyonce, Marilyn Monroe, and Audrey Hepburn. They additionally add references to the 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, AND 80s, and to top it all off they further name-drop 'chic' locales such as 5th avenue and silver screens while referencing Cadillacs, diamonds, and plastic surgery (saying their crush doesn't need it, of course). When you take away all the lyrical cliches and generic R&B/rock/pop (I think I got them all?) sound, what does this song have left? Exactly, NOTHING...and the word 'classic' repeated a suicide-inducing number of times. That's not saying this is as bad as say...I don't know the Biebs or 1D, but it's still boy band teen-pop gibberish all the same. Please boys, try a little harder next time.

6. Chris Brown and Lil Wayne, French Montana, and Tyga-Loyal
US Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 9
Okay, the second you put Chris Brown, Lil Wayne, and Tyga on one track, you better believe I'm not gonna be happy about it. Dragging French Montana into it is just mean. Anyway all things aside, I don't think this song is AS repulsive as 2013's "Love More", but I'm still not throwing this guy a bone any time soon. Or ever. As always, Lil Wayne piggybacks off another artist just to get more money, fame, chart credibility etc. And Tyga...why is he here? Why is he even necessary? Who was asking for this? Oh yeah that's right...sorry I forgot their intended target audience for a minute. French Montana has gotten so much publicity for being around Khloe Kardashian, maybe he thought he should be on this too so we could remember that he, um, raps as well? However this song came about...it just shouldn't have.

5. Jason Derulo-Trumpets
US Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 14
I know what you're thinking, "How can a classically-trained musician like Maestro not like a song with the word 'trumpet' in the title?" Well basically it goes like this: just because a song title is good, doesn't mean that the song itself is good. That could not be any more true when it comes to this song: a half-assed, clumsily-written, and poorly produced affair that contains zero of Jason Derulo's sexual charisma or even a hint of personality. It's really just about the childishly simplistic trumpet riff that's so annoying I'd rather listen to the trumpet players at my college do their routine. And that's saying something! Oh, it would also sound better too. 

4. Luke Bryan-Play It Again
US Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 14
In 2013, Luke Bryan no doubt assisted Florida-Georgia Line into completely blurring the lines between the genres of country and hip-hop until a new hybrid was born: Bro-Country. Which is essentially just hip-hop music masquerading as country music by adding banjos and references to catfish dinners, rivers of beer, and trucks. Can't forget dem trucks in 'Murica!! Anyway, Mr. Bryan continued his devolution from neo-traditionalist to country party bro with "Play It Again", a...feel good (?) song that's about a girl (supposedly Luke's date for the night) wanting her favorite song to be replayed. Yeah, because we obviously haven't heard this theme before (mentioning J.Lo before this wasn't intentional, but now her song "Play" from 2001 comes to mind). Only this time around, the songwriting is incredibly lazy (if you can even call it 'song' writing...more like narrating a night out in unnecessarily tedious detail) and the music behind it is just so flat and lifeless, utterly failing the song's intentions (if there really are any). Ladies, I know Luke Bryan is a good-looking guy, but even you have to admit that he can do so much better than this (in fact he HAS done better).

3. Becky G-Shower
US Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 16
Again, another seemingly harmless pop song on the list? And so high up? I must be a little too hard on pop artists (because obviously I'M the one that's been saying all pop music is shit and that it's not 'real' music...oh wait...). Anyway getting down to it: I've never really liked Becky G as an artist in the first place. I'm sorry, I just don't dig her sound (which is...what? Pop? R&B? Hip-Hop?), and don't even get me started on "Oath", her awful collaboration with Cher Lloyd. But I digress, "Shower" is third place on this list because: you guessed it, Lazy Songwriting!! Actually, before we even get to the music can we all just take note of the fact that this entire song is about the shower? Oh I'm sorry, singing in the shower because, you know, she's in love and she feels the need to let everyone know about it over a truly terrible arrangement of beat patterns and synth arrangements. The music is so bad I actually got distracted from the lyrics for a minute, which are mediocre teen-pop at best and at their worst are just listless.

2. Florida-Georgia Line feat. Luke Bryan and Jason Derulo-This is How We Roll
US Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 15
Before I start, let me just say I didn't want to include Luke Bryan and Jason Derulo on this list twice, but...I just couldn't. Mainly, because they had the misguidance to join country's (least) favorite frat boys on a, um, song that takes "Cruise" one step beyond the blasphemous bro-country hybrid and into straight shit. Obviously, Florida-Georgia Line are one of my least favorite artists, but not because "Cruise" gave them a bad name (which it justifiably does, to be honest). I don't like them because they're music is awful, not the other way around. And cash-grab party jams like this prove why. I mean honestly, featuring two of 2014's most prominent hit-makers on a song is not just pure coincidence, "This is How We Roll" is a calculation for maximum profit in every way possible. From the not-that-country-at-all music to the endless verbal diarrhea coming from all artists involved, it's an absolute miracle that this song isn't number one on this list. It's not, because believe it or not, the worst song of 2014 managed to be even, fucking, worse.

1. Nicki Minaj-Anaconda
US Billboard Hot 100 Peak: 2
Admit it, you saw this coming from a mile away didn't you? But before I dissect this, I have to confess that I actually...kind of...like it. Okay now before you get pissed, I will remind you that this is DEFINITELY without question the absolute worst song I've heard this year. But, it's also got that 'so bad it's good' quality that pops up from time to time. But I'll leave my defenses at that because I have to tell you, it honestly dumbfounds me how Nicki Minaj went from such a great single in "Pills n Potions" to this. Like, how is this even possible, to release such a good song and such a bad song within the same number months? While "Pills" was emotional and more expressive, this non-song is just shit. The lyrics are by far the worst I've heard this year, even though they surprisingly aren't the laziest; they just lack substance and don't seem coherent at all when compared to the supposed 'love your big body' message of the song. And then there's the obvious problem of labeling this a 'feminist anthem' and then releasing a music video that's so God-awfully atrocious and anti-woman that it honestly sets Nicki's reputation back even farther than it's already gotten. But, I can forgive ALL of that nonsense when given the real reason why this is the worst song of the year: even though I've mentioned laziness countless times already, at least those songs were original and a sliver of thought obviously had to have been put into them. For Nicki Minaj to even call this 'her' song is criminal because it's not! It's Sir Mix-a-Lot's "Baby Got Back" butchered up into pieces with Nicki spewing unintelligible rhymes, and what the hell is with all that squealing in the last TWO minutes of the song? Was she gagging or something? Anyway, I've liked Nicki for a while now but good golly this might be one of the worst songs I've ever heard ever. 

And there you have it! Honorable mentions go to Jason Derulo and Snoop Dogg's "Wiggle" (no explanations needed), Maroon 5's "Animals" for turning Adam Levine into a bigger creep than he already is, Nicki Minaj's "Lookin' Ass ******" (you know what that last word is), and I'll give some lip service to the pop haters by dishonorably mentioning One Direction's "Story of My Life", for yet another pop song about nothing in particular except girls (seriously, can't they sing about anything else...anything??).

Jessie J-"Sweet Talker" Review

Right out of the gate, Jessie J delivers the opening line "I'ma do it like it ain't been done", on her third album "Sweet Talker", a very clear indication that she is ready to jump on the bandwagon of other pop artists who've been declaring the same thing since about 2010 or so. The irony is readily apparent, and unfortunately for Jessie, the rest of the album that follows this boastful statement doesn't quite prove this to be true. Well, at least not entirely. Interesting as it is frustrating, "Sweet Talker" feels like an oddly familiar melting pot of pop, soul, and R&B (maybe featuring Ariana Grande on the lead single "Bang Bang" wasn't entirely incidental...). However, when compared to Grande's 2014 effort "My Everything", this record somehow manages to seem even less coherent. Though it still offers the same amount of strong songs, they are spread so far apart on the tracking list, it often can be difficult to build up the patience to find them. Nevertheless, the highlights are still worth digging out, such as the 2-Chainz assisted "Burnin Up", or the back-half highlight "Keep Us Together". Then, of course, Ariana Grande and Nicki Minaj swing by to blast "Bang Bang" into the stratosphere of pop, producing a track so effervescent it outshines the rest of the songs here considerably. Although, the appearance of these middle-brow divas may elevate the song onto higher ground, but whether or not they boost Jessie J's American street cred is to be determined. Seeing as how her previous album "Alive" didn't even see a US release, it's certainly not hard to wonder how much of "Sweet Talker" is ambition, and how much is calculation. The hearty platter of producers and songwriters Jessie has brought in do offer a modernly diverse listening experience, restlessly changing styles and moods every few seconds. That's not to say everything gels --if Ariana Grande threw the kitchen sink with her latest album, Jessie J adds the table, fridge, and stove with it-- but at least it's admirable to see that this record is working very, very hard. Jessie does handstands, backflips, cartwheels while juggling beach balls on a unicycle, which is certainly impressive, yet when combined with her manic, overly-expressive delivery of the songs, it's also flat-out exhausting. "Sweet Talker" isn't terribly long (12 songs and 48 minutes, the standard for 2014 pop records), yet it somehow loses steam before it's even half finished. That's unfortunate for Jessie J, as she constantly tries to find new ways to distinguish her from the rest of the Brit-pop pack, she winds up tacking the backseat in her own records. Obviously, though, her star shines brightest when she lets loose and sings to her heart's content without abandon. Maybe the next time out...

Recommended Tracks in Bold:
1. Ain’t Been Done 2. Burnin’ Up                    3. Sweet Talker
4. Bang Bang            5. Fire                                    6. Personal
7. Masterpiece            8. Seal Me With a Kiss        9. Said Too Much
10. Loud                      11. Keep Us Together    12. Get Away

Maroon 5-"V" Review

By the fall of 2014, Maroon 5 had completed its evolution (or devolution, depending on how you look at it) from a blue-eyed soul/rock quintet to glossy pop act, featuring Adam Levine's shirtless body. Previewing the bands fifth album, simply titled "V", they released lead single "Maps", a track so similar to Nico and Vinz's "Am I Wrong?" you would think that Levine had eavesdropped on the recording sessions. That, or maybe our favorite shirtless heartthrob is more aware than he's been letting on. In short, that's the statement that "V" implicitly makes: Maroon 5 is a band of the times. So when pop music shifted from the butt-shaking EDM of LMFAO and Justin Bieber to the indietronic flavors of Lorde, the retro R&B Justin Timberlake hauled in with "The 20/20 Experience", and the arrival of Austin Mahone re-contextualizing the Backstreet Boys for the modern era, Maroon 5 took note of these more tasteful styles, and thus, Adam put his shirt back on. Whereas the grotesque "Overexposed" pushed his band's vulgarity to the limit, "V" is a more stylish affair. Electronics remain present, either to provide ambient noise or a low-synth wobble of "Feelings", a standard drum-kit makes its long-awaited return to a Maroon 5 album on the half-way point "Leaving California", and besides the plain pop song "Maps", its successor "Animals" also plays off the energetic pop blueprint. This one-two jolt of pop may have been designed to get the album started with vigor, but it's not particularly interesting, either. It's not until the third song, the industrial-flavored "It Was Always You", when "V" becomes more than just a singles-n-filler collection. Elsewhere, the lite-EDM track "Coming Back for You" offers some low-key relief from the tried and true practices of channeling Justin Timberlake channeling Michael Jackson. "Sugar", for example, plays off of "Off the Wall"-styled disco, complete with vocal hiccups and falsetto. And when the songs don't pay homage to MJ, then Austin Mahone becomes the cornerstone, with teeny-pop "Unkiss Me" and "New Love" included in the mix. This seemingly unholy hybrid of retro meets modern may not be the best theoretical construction of an album, but it holds up surprisingly well. It's oddly satisfying, too, when the closer "My Heart is Open" rolls around, Gwen Stefani blends her vocals with Adam's to complete a song that's neither retro nor modern, just happily no-nonsense singer-songwriter stuff. All of Maroon 5's signature album traits remain in tact: no songs over four minutes, Adam Levine at the fore, and music that exists pleasantly in the background as well as on the radio. It's just too bad that not one song on "V" actually sounds like Maroon 5. 

Recommended Tracks in Bold:

1. Maps                      2. Animals                  3. It Was Always You

4. Unkiss Me              5. Sugar                      6. Leaving California

7. In Your Pocket       8. New Love               9. Coming Back for You

10. Feelings                11. My Heart is Open

Ariana Grande-"My Everything" Review

Ariana Grande made history with "Yours Truly", her debut album released almost exactly a year ago, when it debuted atop the Billboard 200, becoming only the fifteenth solo female artist to top the chart with a debut album. The honor validated her status as one of pop's most engaging performers, even if the album responsible didn't offer a signature sound. Sure, it featured alot of Grande's voice, and even threw in a couple of catchy, fizzy pop tunes, but overall it turned out to be somewhat of a disappointment. Its mix of lite-Hip/Hop, R&B, and breezy pop didn't sustain well in the mainstream, and seemed quite outdated by the spring of 2014. Already proven to be a masterful strategist, however, Grande released the Iggy Azalea-assisted "Problem", a sassy pop track produced by Britney's hit maker Max Martin. It showed a sexier side to the Nickelodeon star, like Cat Valentine graduating from high school and venturing into an adventurous college life. Of course, Grande wants to be seen as more than a character on TV, and much of her sophomore album, "My Everything", is built upon this foundation. Gone are the doe-eyed R&B tunes and in their place stand a hodge-podge of EDM, Pop, Hip/Hop, Soul, and a couple of piano ballads for good measure. Unfortunately, what Grande decided to keep from her last record was a ridiculous amount of guest-appearances, mostly from rappers, none of which make the most of their verses (excepting the aforementioned Iggy Azalea). Also in-tact is the laundry list of songwriters and producers all trying to make Ariana Grande stand above her peers as pop's reigning princess. Perhaps this wouldn't have been a problem if the quality of musical coherence and lyrical grace were favored over throwing the kitchen sink at the listener and seeing which songs were hits or misses. Obviously, the rap-assisted songs are mostly misses, some quite frankly embarrassing ("Best Mistake" ---ironic, huh?---and "Hands on Me" being the worst offenders), while the songs with an EDM-twist are bearable (Zedd producing the best cut "Break Free"). The filler in between present some nice ideas, but too often sink into mediocre R&B-blandness, not too far off the track from "Yours Truly". Standing out amongst the murk is "Love Me Harder", a song that pulsates on a sultry groove while The Weeknd provides the only good guest appearance here. The undercutting theme of severing ties from an old-flame is long forgotten, since "My Everything" covers far too much ground to be coherent, it cannot find its way through all the hooplah. Ariana Grande is a fine singer, with a technical skill far exceeding her pop peers, but for the second time in a row she has failed to show anything more beyond potential. She certainly can't be billed as the innocent sweet girl that sang "Yours Truly" anymore, but "My Everything" also does not fulfill its purpose of separating her from that persona. And that's highly unfortunate, because "My Everything" had all the potential in the world; it just didn't know how to use it.

Recommended Tracks in Bold:

1. Intro                                    2. Problem                                       3. One Last Time

4. Why Try                             5. Break Free                                  6. Best Mistake

7. Be My Baby                        8. Break Your Heart Right Back    9. Love Me Harder

10. Just a Little Bit of Your Heart    11. Hands on Me      12. My Everything

Serving the Military: My Summer in the Express (Part 1)

First things first, what the heck is an "Express"? Well essentially it's just the gas station side of a PX. What is a PX you ask? That, my good friends, is like a mini-Walmart where soldiers can get a whole variety of things, from new uniforms to blankets to flat screen TVs to health and beauty products. 

Now that we got that out of the way, today's post is about what it's REALLY like to work in the gas station part of the PX. There's a common misconception that the US military are all full of good-hearted, kind human beings that are selfless and are incredibly easy to work with. I will tell you right freaking now, that is NOT the case. 

Throughout the summer of 2014 I served the most stupid, wasteful, bitchy individuals that I have ever seen in my life. I was completely appalled at how hoards upon hoards of soldiers would just waltz into the PX and expect that us workers could perform God-like service with the few people we have working there (for the record this PX is located in Fort McCoy, Wisconsin, and is not big at all compared to the monstrous sizes of other PXs). But it doesn't stop there: the management actually expects us to work in what we call 'Snack Avenue' (where the roller grills, soda machines and sandwiches/burritos/calzones/wraps are) while we have to serve thousands of people (and it has to be fully stocked and updated at all times of the day. Yeah good luck with that one). Oh and did I mentioned only one person is allowed to run Snack Avenue at a time? And then said person is supposed to clean up Snack Avenue at the end of the day?

More on that later. Right now, let's continue into the (not-so) wondrous world of being an Express worker. So I categorized my customers into three often overlapping groups: stupid, wasteful, bitchy. I know you were probably offended that I could ever call the sacred military those words, but why don't I show you first hand the wretched customers I serve on a daily basis? Throughout the next part of this post, I will recall a variety of scenarios that made me lose virtually all faith in the military (as well as humanity). I will start with what the customer said/did, and I will respond to what I WISH I could've said; the thoughts that were screaming in my mind but could never say to risk of losing my source of income. 

Category #1 (my favorite): STUPID
Customer: *Opens warmer under the roller grill. Opens cabinets under the warmer* "Excuse me sir, where are your hot dog buns?"
Me: I don't know, maybe in the cabinet to your left that says 'Fresh Buns Inside'?

Customer: "Hey do you have Copenhagen wintergreen"?
Me: "I only have pouches"
Customer: "Okay"
*I bring him a tin of copenhagen wintergreen pouches*
Customer: "Yeah but do you have the ones without the pouches?"

Customer: "Hey I'll have a tin of Grizzly Mint pouches please"
*I bring him a tin of Grizzly Mint pouches*
Customer: "Those are pouches"
Me: "Yeah, that's what you said"
Customer: "No it's not."
Me: Sir I will shove this can of chew down your trachea

Customer: "The pad says 'Enter Pin or Press Cancel for Credit', what does that mean?"
Me: Gee, I think it means that you should enter your pin number for your debit card, or press the red cancel button to run it as a credit card

Customer: "The pad is asking if I want a receipt, what do all these options (print, email, both, none) mean?"
Me: Man, that pin pad is so cryptic isn't it? #sarcasm

Customer: "Hey can I have a pack of Camel menthol please?"
*I bring a pack of Camel menthol*
Customer: "No I said Marlboro menthol 100s"
Me: Sir I will strangle you with your own cat-eye band

Customer: "What do you have in wintergreen chew?"
Me: "Nothing, I don't have any wintergreen in any brand"
Customer: "Do you have copenhagen wintergreen?"
Me: "No, I just said I don't"
Customer: "Do you have Grizzly?"
Me: "No sir, I DON'T HAVE ANY WINTERGREEN IN ANY BRAND"
Customer: "What?! You don't have any wintergreen in copenhagen OR grizzly?"
Me: *Screams for eternity and a half*

Me: "Sir, it looks like this item isn't ringing up"
Customer: "Just enter in the price it's $2.69"
Me: You know you're at the PX and not Wal-Mart, right?

Customer: "Oh no, you don't have ANY of the cigarrettes/chew I want?" *Stands there for ages, somehow expecting me to just pull a pack of smokes out of my ass*
Me: Sir, I'm a cashier, not a miracle worker

Customer: "What? You can check out Express items at Military clothing and Customer Service and PowerZone and not have to wait in these super long lines?"
Me: No, we're just telling you that to make you walk around the store more. For your health. It's very important to us, you know. #moresarcasm

Customer: "What?? You can get cigarettes at ANY register in the Express?"
Me: DUH. What, do you need me to spell it out on paper?! (Actually scratch that, even if we did these morons still wouldn't get it")

Customer: "How are you guys all out of chew?"
Me: Gee I wonder. It's not like we don't have a bus of 30+ soliders coming every 15 minutes. And we definitely don't have to serve all 8000-15000 troops we have on base right now. Every single day. #sarcasmtothemax

Customer: "Why are you guys so busy all the time?"
Me: See the above response^

I personally love it when the Express cashiers turn their lights on, no one will go to their register. But as soon as we turn our lights off, EVERYBODY comes to our registers. Or they'll ask these commonly asked questions:

Me: *Turns my light off to signal I'm closing down*
Customer: "Hey are you open?"
Me: No sir, I just turned my light off to save energy and help the environment

Me: *Turns my light on to signal that I'm opening up*
Customer: "Hey are you open?"
Me: No sir, I just turned my light on to brighten the place up a bit. These huge windows certainly don't let in enough sunlight

And then of course, the most stupid, unintelligent people I have to deal with go something like this:
Customer: "What? I can't buy tobacco,alcohol, or gas without a military ID/with an expired ID?"
Me: I don't get it either, seeing as how the PX is a store for the military and not ordinary civilians. I'm sure your commanding officer won't take your uniform away if I let you buy it anyway, even though he/she specifically said that you need to have your unexpired military ID with you at all times. 

Customer: "I don't have a military ID. Will my driver's license work?"
Me: See above scenario^

So yeah. I deal with all of these situations every day at work for 6-8 hours, and then I have to get up and do it all again the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that...
Seriously though, these people are so dumb I don't understand how they passed their ASVAB. And here's the zinger: these specific soldiers will eventually go overseas and defend the US in combat. Yeah; just let that sink in for a minute.

Join me later when I delve into how wasteful these stupid-heads are. Trust me, all that glitters sure as hell ain't gold.

Artists in My iTunes Library

In case anybody ever thought that my musical tastes weren't diverse or random enough, let's take a peek into my iTunes Library and see what I currently and have in the past listened to. No filter, no alterations, no omissions, these artists are for real on my computer at this very moment:

Adele
Alanis Morissette
Aly & AJ
Ariana Grande
Ashlee Simpson
Ashley Tisdale
Avril Lavigne
Benny Benassi
Beyonce
Britney Spears
Calvin Harris
Carly Rae Jepsen
Cascada
Charlotte Church
Cher
Christina Aguilera
Christina Perri
Daft Punk
David Guetta
Death Cab for Cutie
Demi Lovato
Des'ree
Dido
Disclosure
Donna Lewis
Ellie Goulding
Enya
Evanescence
Fiona Apple
Gwen Stefani
Hilary Duff
Icona Pop
Iggy Azalea
Jennifer Lopez
Jewel
JoJo
Kacey Musgraves
Karmin
Kaskade
Katy B
Katy Perry
Katy Rose
Ke$ha
Kelis
Kelly Clarkson
The Key of Awesome
Krewella
Kylie Minogue
Lady Gaga
Lana Del Rey
Lea Michele
Lily Allen
Lindsay Lohan
Liz Phair
Lorde
M.I.A.
Madonna
Mariah Carey
Maroon 5
Michelle Branch
Miley Cyrus
Miranda Cosgrove
Miranda Lambert
Missy Elliot
Nelly Furtado
Owl City
P!nk
Paramore
Peaches
Pistol Annies
Port Blue
The Postal Service
The Pussycat Dolls
Rebecca Black
Rihanna
Sarah McLachlan
Selena Gomez
Shakira
Shania Twain
Sheryl Crow
Shiny Toy Guns
Shontelle
Sia
Sixpence None the Richer
Sky Sailing
Skye Sweetnam
Spice Girls
Swimming with Dolphins
t.A.T.u
Tata Young
Taylor Swift
Tears for Fears
Tegan and Sara
The Veronicas
Weird Al Yankovic
Zedd

Iggy Azalea-"The New Classic" Review

You'd be forgiven if you mistook Aussie-born Amethyst Kelly (a.k.a. Iggy Azalea) for Karmin front-woman Amy Heidemann. They both come from well-to-do backgrounds, shamelessly streamline Nicki Minaj into white-rap culture, fake a "blaccent", and specialize in sharply-tongued hip/hop-pop (it's probably not a coincidence that the two have platinum blonde hair as well). Then when you have song titles like "Fancy", "Goddess", "Lady Patra", and add in lines like "First things first, I'm the realest", it's awfully hard not to associate the two women who constantly feel the need to reassert their musicality and star power. But while they have that in common, what sets them apart is that Azalea is primarily a rapper, not a singer trying to be a rapper like Heidemann, so her flow is more fully formed, and does a much better job at being the white Nicki Minaj. Azalea also picks better collaborators, ones who play on her strengths, instead of showcasing her nagging flaws (ahem Nick Noonan and The Elev3n). Also, as shallow as her backstory may seem, "The New Classic" does a good job of weaving the elements of perseverance and hard work into some hooky hip/hop. You of course have "Fancy", featuring Charli XCX which shines as one of the most fun tracks here, second only to the trappy "New Bitch", one of the few songs on this record set in a major key. Oddly, the middle/back-half of "The New Classic" contains the most upbeat songs, because the beginning of the album doesn't try too hard in the way of grabbing interest. In fact, Azalea sounds more defeated in "Walk the Line" and "Don't Need Ya'll", rather than the triumphant underdog persona that's present in "Work" and "Impossible is Nothing". All four songs ride the same trend of rising above everyone else, but they don't seem to connect with each other in the way that an album should. That same disconnect could be applied to Iggy Azalea in general: a young, pretty model from Australia who dated A$AP Rocky and was mentored by T.I. had to work hard for this rapping career? Of course she left home at 16 to pursue it, but still, the fact that she had the privilege to make that choice at all kind of goes against the whole premise that "The New Classic" is built on. 

At face value, the songs are catchy enough to rival Nicki Minaj's pop/rap blends, though aren't as distinctive. Azalea has fun with it all, even when she confronts the issues of love, money, and fame, she delivers it with the same no fucks given swagger that for a moment outshines the two big, interrelated problems here. The first, is that while Azalea would like to be a progressive rap artist like Nicki Minaj or Missy Elliot, there's not a "Super Bass" or "Supa Dupa Fly" on this record, far and away from being 'classic'. The second, is that she can fake the hood look and aesthetic, but it's just not enough to act the part. It's something that you have to be, and Azalea's boasting of diamonds, self-sufficiency, and wealthy men don't exactly evoke the thug life. But maybe she doesn't want to be the next Jay-Z, Kanye, or Eminem; for all of her bling and swagger, she might just want to be steadily on the fringes of rap and pop, pulling elements from both genres so that she can please either audience. Needless to say it doesn't always work, but for better or for worse, "The New Classic" has brought what could be the next generation of rap/pop. We'll see.

Recommended Tracks in Bold:

1. Walk the Line      2. Don’t Need Y’all                 3. 100

4. Change Your Life  5. Fancy                                 6. New Bitch

7. Work                       8. Impossible is Nothing 9. Goddess

10. Black Widow        11. Lady Patra                         12. Fuck Love