Musical Dissection-Maroon 5

Welcome to a new segment called Musical Dissection, where I pick apart a certain artist or song and figure out how they went from being really good to really bad (or if they're just terrible in general). Today's victim: Maroon 5.

Maroon 5 is a case of they used to be good, but now they're shit. So, let's tear their carcus apart and see what went wrong.

It all started in 2007. They released their highly anticipated second album "It Won't Be Soon Before Long". It's lead single "Makes Me Wonder" was already the start of their transition into pop. It had this cool INXS 80s vibe to it, but it still was not as their previous hits. But it was inevtiably satisfying. I was just glad the band I fell in love with was still making music. Plus, the song became their first number one hit. But unfortunately, it was their only true hit off of their second album, as the other singles didn't make the top ten. They did a duet with Rihanna, yes, but they left as quickly as they re-appeared. They took a couple more years off and then in 2010 fired up again with "Misery". It was the first song off their third album "Hands All Over". This began their transition into being sell-outs, as the topless woman cover with hands all over her (funny, huh?...no) proves. Also, in the music video for "Never Gonna Leave This Bed", Adam decided to make love to his then-girlfriend in every scenery imaginable. Now, I know that he stripped naked back in the music video for "This Love", but back then he wasn't ruthlessly sexual about it.

...And then, just when you thought their antics couldn't get ANY worse, after Adam Levine took up a position on The Voice, they released "Moves Like Jagger". First off this will go into a side dissection, like while we're examining the body, this is the heart. This song was a career-pivoting moment because not only did they draft Christina Aguilera to sell the track, but they made a whole fucking song about Mick Jagger. Mick, fucking, Jagger. And then there's the stupid-ass music video, where Adam made it a regular thing to take his shirt off, and not to mention the music video has absolutely nothing to do with the message of the song. Adam is basically saying that he can fuck really well, but he compares his fucking style to Mick Jagger. Why?!! Mick Jagger is like 1000 years old, I'm sorry, but I think his fucking abilities have gone south for the winter, permanently. This song was basically the pinnacle of their desperation to sell themselves. It definitely worked, as the song sold 6 million copies in the US alone and spent five weeks atop the Billboard Hot 100. Although this success only came from the fact that Americans have shit for brains when it comes to music and they'll now buy anything that's overtly sexual or stupid. In just nine years they went from being a respectable rock group to a shitty pop group.

Come 2012, they continued the style of "Moves Like Jagger" and released "Payphone". Once again, it features Wiz Khalifa because they knew that if it didn't, nobody would buy this song. You see, it highlights how incredibly annoying and high pitched Adam's voice is. His voice is higher than Justin Timberlake's, and that's saying something. And come on, the song is about a fucking payphone (do those even exist anymore?). And of course, come the music video, Adam shows his muscles and throws in some shitty bank robbery, cop chase story for good measure. Wiz Khalifa's rap has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the song, but once again, he's there to sell the track. And it worked: "Payphone" sold 5 million copies in the US, despite peaking at number 2 behind the superior songs "Somebody That I Used to Know" and "Call Me Maybe". When "Payphone" died down, their next single "One More Night" proved to be the biggest pain in my ass yet. Mainly because, what's so appealing about it? There's no guest artist, the music video has Adam taking off his shirt again and by the way, just because he's swearing in his songs and plays the role of a boxer doesn't beef up his image in anyway. Adam Levine will always be a grade A pussy. But back to the point, "One More Night" is a reggae style pop song, so it should not have gotten that much airplay or sales because it's not even that overly catchy. But as always, America took a left turn and decided "Hey, this somewhat good song is worthy enough of being overplayed on the radio", and the song spent nine weeks atop the Hot 100. NINE!!!!! What the serious fuck people??!!! I am absolutely and completely disgusted that this piece of shit song, and fucking "Gangnam Style", kept the top two position for SEVEN weeks, keeping much better songs like "Some Nights" and "Ho Hey" from reaching the top. Seriously, it's moments like these that make me lose faith in pop music.

Now they have their latest song "Daylight" climbing up the charts. Really Maroon 5? You release a song called "One More Night" and then follow it up with "Daylight"?! How predictable can you be??! And even worse, this song is their biggest piece of shit yet, it has no musical merit and it's message is so overdone, it's like a children's song, but instead of it being guility enjoyable and timeless, it makes me want to gauge my eyes out with a seam-ripper. Maroon 5, why did you have to stoop so low to hyper-commercialized pop? You made me love you with great songs like "Harder to Breathe" and "She Will Be Loved", and then you took a monster-sized shit on them with the crap you're putting out now. And then to top it all off, I saw this photo of Adam Levine just a few weeks ago:

 

...WOW Adam, just...wow, not cool at all. You see, Maroon 5 aren't artists anymore, especially pricks like Adam Levine. They're just a sell-out pop product that has no artistic value anymore. And while their music videos for "This Love" and "She Will Be Loved" were very sensual, they were coy considering the way they (mostly Adam...of course) ruthlessly bare it all now. They're like a bottom-barrel porno, only made to please the lowest common denominator. Honestly, it's a damn shame that they decided to go down this road, and worst of all, their hearts aren't in it. That's what made their previous music videos so appealing, they were actually interested in the music they were making. And plus back then everything wasn't just about Adam. The other four members of Maroon 5 are now just for decoration as they're brought down into Adam's simpering sexuality.

Anyway, you've read me bitch long enough. I've dissected this thing and here's the Cause of Death:
Due to a crude lead singer and his overbearing thirst for the spotlight, Maroon 5 has died because of a pop overdose. And unfortunately, this disease has taken many victims, and I'm sad this had to be one of them. Bag it and tag it.